feeling vs knowing & stufff

Here I am. Mind not settling. Gone are the days when I'd nod off without trying. I miss those days. My life is great - I know it is because the fact I'm living is great in itself. I struggle winding down. My mind won't rest. It hurts my head fighting these persistent worries, fears, tears.


I can't go into details regarding individual illnesses that are threatening the lives of more than one of my closest family members. I can barely help with my other family members' fears because I'm barely able to help myself. It's scary knowing what you should and could be and just not even feeling strong enough to try. It's sad. It makes me mad. Then I'm sad. Then I crack jokes. Then I feel guilty for laughing. Then I search out and find inspiration in another's story. Then I cry. I am happy for them and hopeful. Then my reality sets in and I get scared. Ashamed I let fear in when I should know there's no way we won't win this. Scared again. Sad it has come to this and ashamed I'm being a whimp. I know I'm strong. I sure do have some whimpy feeling times, though.


The Life is Good stickers make me feel sad because I know they are right... but I don't always FEEL like life is good. That doesn't mean I want to die. It means it's hard and I'm tired and I need support. I need someone to baby me a bit and let me cry and still not judge. I need to trust that the person I cry to doesn't think I'm a burden for not being all sunny. I feel like a burden. I feel like no fun. I feel like a fraud.


I just want to stab those feelings with something sharp...beat them physically...cause they are wearing me down mentally & physically.


(let's hope those persistent feeling will rest now that I've let them run wild for a bit)

in my spare time

random commands I think Dwight might use in the case that he finds a wife:

Sound advice for Mrs. Schrute, if you ask me!

(yeah I'm strange - "Sue me! No don't")

charlie b, annie & ollie, & simplicity

Learning to deal with being happy through fear was really hard. It's still tough to allow myself happiness, at times.




I love this room! Imagine if Annie or Oliver had this set up at the orphanage....




this is one of the great gifts of accepting happiness even through fear. Looking back, there were some small things (at the time) that have led to big happiness now. Love the simplicity of this pic.

Well, that was random... Better get back to my chores!

truth of life

Today turned out to be a special day for a number of reasons. A friend I care very much about and hurt deeply acknowledged my apology. I won't go into the details here because my story with this person is truly special and best left private.

I am feeling more peace than I've felt in quite a long time.

There is real physical pain that nags at a person when they know they're responsible for inflicting pain on another. When that person happens to be one of the most important relationships of your life - the pain can seem unbearable.


Today, these quotes were more than wise words I admire - they were truth of life. Truth of my life. And that makes me happy.

roseanne barr needs more feet in her mouth - preferably dirty & fat

When people like Roseanne Barr publicly bash Mormons, do you get mad? I get mad and I’m not Mormon. I think her comments following the death of Marie Osmond’s son are hateful. She’s judging Mormon faith while having no real knowledge of it – which is soooo hypocritical. She claims Mormons shun/judge gays with no basis – and there she is judging Mormons with no basis. In my experience, Mormons have been some of the nicest people and really don’t seem to judge others. They may not do something themselves, but they don’t shun me as a friend because I drink coffee and have a glass of wine. Many of my Mormon friends are kind to gay people.

And as much as I could go on about arguing that Mormons (very peaceful bunch of people) are kind – the fact of the matter is that suicide is not caused by others. It is something within a person that leads them to that decision. And before people go pointing fingers as to why, maybe they should realize that there aren’t always answers to the very difficult questions.

He had a family that loved him.

He also had mental illness.

He killed himself – and that is sad.

Enough of the blame game.